The Eight Misconnections of Disappointed People

“I’m so disappointed.” They are possibly the most devastating words a parent can issue to a son or daughter. Not angry; anger is engaged, working, opposing, caring. Disappointment is a conclusion reached after an experience or series of experiences. It is drained of emotion, empty. It is the first cousin of despair. No person wants to be the source of another’s disappointment.

What happens when life itself disappoints? I have over the years observed and thought about people who in their latter years find themselves disappointed with what life has served up. They have somehow misconnected with their own journey, misinterpreted the signs, took the wrong fork.

Eight of these misconnections seem to have more damaging and long lasting results than others. Here they are, in brief, although much could be said of each one.

1. Seeking a goal vs. living a value.

First of all, you must get your values right. How you live is not a matter of adding up the stuff you’ve accumulated or the goals you’ve reached, but upholding the principles on which you stand. When Socrates spoke of the unexamined life, I think he was referring to a life that careens toward this goal and that but never stops to ask why, for what purpose, to what end. The goals becomes unfulfilling an, soon enough, meaningless. Their accomplishment fails to fulfill their promise.

2. Depending on your talents vs. fully preparing.

You reach your potential by training, discipline, self-testing, not by charging forward armed only with raw talent (no matter how much raw talent you have). In his book The Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell sings the praises of preparation, discipline, and hard work, citing successes like The Beatles and Bill Gates. When great talent meets hard work, great things happen.

3. Focusing on self vs. engaging with the world. Most self help books are wrong. The path to happiness lies not in self-absorption but in leaving self to connect with the world. The paradoxical result of “engaging outward” is the discovery of your best self. This action is not really “giving of yourself,” but rather connecting with the world to create yourself.

4. Living realistically vs. living as if the best will happen. Realism is the denial of the future, because the realist looks at the past and predicts that the future will be no different. We are excellent at creating the future we are imagining. This is not pie in the sky optimism, but a frank acknowledgement that we can tip the scales in a positive direction by engaging the future in a positive frame of mind.

5. Planning for life vs. planning for events. The FDs (“future disappointed”) never stop planning for a life they never get around to living. The saddest refrain of all is “I can’t wait till I retire.” Life is to be lived, not planned for.

6. Reliving vs. new living. The FDs, whenever they hear a thought, remold it to fit what they already know. They rarely grow, rarely allow the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable, the challenging into their lives. The narrative of their life has ended, long before their physical life ends. New living expects the unexpected and the discomfort that accompanies it. Comfort is a devilish taskmaster. It can overtake your life and preclude any chance of happiness.

7. Assessing fear vs. assessing possibilities. Fear is a lousy counselor. Fearful people are governed by prejudice, narrowness, submissiveness, and immobility. There are many more possibilities inherent in experiencing something different than in doing the same thing over again. Check out the different ways animals respond to a fear stimulus: flight, freezing, sweating, cringing, shaking, crying, shrieking. When fear is your advisor, those are the responses advised.

8. Violating the weak vs. protecting the weak. The surest measure of the quality of your life is how you treat those you can control, abuse, or ignore. The choice not to control, abuse, or ignore them is the most moral and therefore most human choice available to you. Parents, pastors, managers, generals, elected officials, judges, or simply the strongest person in the room all have a measure of power and control over others. Exploiting those others, injuring them, failing to lend them a hand diminishes you, reduces your humanness, and creates the worst disappointment possible: disappointment in yourself.